BTW, Ive been randomly reading blogs

so many of them have these huge pictures, people look so happy, i wonder if they are that happy?!

but then ever once in a while you come across some totally, brutally honest person who writes about their day-to-day life, and they write it so honestly, earnestly, that its really touching.

As i read those blogs i think, God i hoe these people so much happiness, that they are settled within, that they be fine.

I really should visit Arkansas

I don't know, i feel like i should, if only so that i don't feel like "i should visit" her anymore.

Just Jacob, right?

Right!

Have you ever noticed... when you walk some people look into your eyes... only certain people, and they look deep, you pass them on the street, random strangers, and they're searching, you see yourself reflected their right at the moment.

I wonder how many people out there feel swallowed, feel like they're getting lost.

What did I do today? Well, I stopped at this new neighborhood coffee place which opened 2 days ago... when i walked in the owner (or maybe he was the investor) said something along the lines of, "Ahh, you're one of our first, this is good luck!"

If only he knew, right?

Anyhow, I sat down and had that coffee; meanwhile I'm speaking to the bank, reading a book, figuring out how to handle my next project at work...

Then I went to the bank, followed by a work meeting, then to my doctor.

I'm having a hard time sleeping but thats not new.
My doctor cares. i think he's worried. because he doesn't know what to do with me.
But at least he cares.

Tomorrow is Friday.

oh, and BTW...

1) im going back to my initial name, Jacob. So, well... so long Jared! I am Jacob now... if only switching identities in real life was as easy as that!

2) are u likin' the color scheme ive chosen for this blog? you do, right? i kinda' do, i think its nice :P

waiting for the pops

dad, aka the pops, has been visiting the country for about 3 weeks now.
but his flight is tonight, he's returning to the states.

he and his wife bought an apartment. during this visit ive seen him about 6 times.
now its the 7th time... at a cafe -
he likes to eat.
i think he thinks im hungry.
but im not, i just dont have an appetite.
i havent had an appetite for about 2 years now.

when we meet i see it in his eyes, he worries for me. but there are words we do not speak; or, rather, words i do not speak.

in his eyes i see worry, and it hurts me to see that.
because i dont want him to worry, i dont want him to know the depth of the problems

because "dad cant fix it all"


sometimes i wish i can go back to being a kid. but i cant.
so tonight my goal is to make him feel better, to try to make him "not worry" this way when he leaves he doesn't carry that baggage...

Sunday Morning - 6th of November

Soon I'll head out and start going through the items of my things-to-do.


Among all the items, I have a meeting for work at 4 PM.... but the thought of going there is suffocating.

…on shame, fear and hope…

I am ashamed of so much that I cannot speak

I fear the mistakes I always seem to make; yet I am aware of them; yet I make them. These mistakes harm no one but myself. They are self-inflicted wounds inflicted over and over and over again.

I have hope that I can change