There, ive said it. such a dirty word, so hard to admit; such a cliche.
I am addicted to many things, and ive always been addicted to something, at least as far as i can remember. but usually its no more than 3 things at a time. currently its pain-killers. But also to cigarettes. And also to reading.
i feel like pain-killers complete a circle of addiction, one that has spanned pot, coke, acid, speed, shrooms and crack. crack is the hardest to admit, but its there, in my past, and there's no erasing it.
if i write complete does this mean its the end? or maybe the end is in sight. i am scared. i want to delete this sentence but i wont because that would be erasing what i feel, and the whole point of this blog is to finally speak to someone, whoever you are... and by writing this i hope that maybe you are listening to me.
so like the crack i smoked and the pain it seems like i always feel, i will not erase what i cannot undo - here right now is my chance to be be real
***
Its weird but I can remember when I was 14 or 15 I went skating with my cousin, and I fell and dislocated my left hand. I was on vacation in Israel and my parents back in LA.
The pain was horrible worse than horrible and it was real pain. I remember sitting at the kitchen table and the pain growing and growing, it was pulsing like my heart-beat, I never felt such pain.
And so when my aunt realized that this was for real, that it wasn’t just a show, she took me to the hospital.
They took an xray.
There was a dislocation.
The pain was real.
I was prescribed pain medication.
I didn’t remember any of the above or connect it with anything that is the string of events that form my life up to now, until roughly 16 or 17 years later… around when I turned 32… which is about 4 months ago.
