Friday, November 11, 2011

Depth of Debt


I moved to this country a little over 4 years ago, and I started working full-time non-stop within a week of my arrival.

Like a machine, ive been working working working, for a while it seemed like the drive to succeed was breathing life into me, and as I succeeded I felt more alive.

It surprised me how easily I succeeded. It still suprises me how it feels like in terms of work im succeeding. I worked so hard to establish a name for myself, and now that name seems to open doors. Yet I just don’t want to step through, more and more im turning down work.

That’s not like me; well, it used to need be the case, I used to wake and look forward to going to the office. Now I don’t anymore. I just don’t care. And the sad thing is, sometimes it feels like me “just not caring” is what most people deliver at work… and that seems to be OK. How is that OK? Or maybe it is, OK for things to be just… no one cares. It’s OK to not care?

Though my salary places me in the top 10% of scale-wage (I think), it still doesn’t seem to help me get out of debt… a debt incurred in my 1st year here. Well, actually, to be honest I guess im working through it, today’s salary wiped out bank debt and put me in the positive for the first time in about 3 years. Yet I just don’t care.

Because there seems to be more debt everywhere I turn… no longer debt to my bank, now there’s debt to a credit card. And electric. And taxes. And rent.

But there is another kind of debt, the kind that’s not physical, it is a debt to the ones who care because you feel like you’re failing them, you’re making them worry and you don’t want them to worry, “please don’t worry everything is OK.”
Please don’t worry. Everything is OK. 

Do you want to hear the truth? Because if I speak you might have to listen, and if you listen it might be too hard to bear. So please, don’t worry yourself, everything is OK.

I don’t really have transportation debt because I walk everywhere. I walk a lot. Ive become “a walker” over the past 2 years… it feels like im always walking yet getting nowhere.

When I walk I see the others, the one that search my eyes – they look – and maybe they’re scared – because in me they see themselves; the truth reflected, a truthful reflection. 

How can things be this way? Why are so many of us so scared?

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